Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
The news
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”