Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?