I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.