Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
When your parents check you’re ok.
This could be us… but you playing
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.