My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
You Might Also Like
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Somebody call the cops.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.