ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Smells like a challenge to me
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?