My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.