my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
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[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
they really do be looking like this
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK