How do horror writers compete with current events?
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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*limbos away from your hug*
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?