Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
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Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.