Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.