One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
You Might Also Like
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
sigh
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My typo game is string.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Brands during Pride
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
New comic up. “Ransom”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag