I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.