My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Y’all ready for this
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard