if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
When I鈥檓 mad at a shirt I鈥檒l wear it when I鈥檓 eating soup.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I鈥檓 doing a book report on a book I didn鈥檛 read.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I鈥檒l consider doing it to others.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet 鉂わ笍馃枙鉂わ笍
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old