Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
choose your fighter
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.