Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy