*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”