HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
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Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.