You Might Also Like
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
😏😏😏