One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no