water it, i dare you
You Might Also Like
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.