Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time