“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
You Might Also Like
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water