Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.