Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.