Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
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I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.