Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Bobby pin
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.