me 2 months after i graduated
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
synchronized noseblowing
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
In Russia, Pokemon find you.