oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
never compromise your values
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.