Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
You Might Also Like
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.