Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
You Might Also Like
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand