the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Would you wear it?
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean