(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Meow
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.