Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”