The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.