Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
💯😂
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.