Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Um … Hot Wings please
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Just a bush.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG