I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
You Might Also Like
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?