Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Snapes on a plane.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.