OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Just got to our Airbnb!
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.