Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
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I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Don’t talk down to me
I can also cook 😂
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*Seductively hides in the woods
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.