Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I already tried new things thanks.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.