Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.