Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Yup.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing Iโd ever heard, until you explained itโฆ now itโs the second most idiotic thing.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
DELIVERY GUY: Hereโs your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I donโt have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didnโt you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
date: I like men who arenโt afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means youโre tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means sheโs had it with you.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Iโm forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.