Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.