I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.