If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing