I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
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[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
That’s not how days work.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Worth a try
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote