[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.